Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Test of Faith

I'm feeling down lately. I am working on sorting through all of my emotions but it's more difficult than I anticipated. I'm going through some things that I haven't yet been able to put into words. I want to write what I'm feeling but I haven't felt right about it. I can only describe it in my head. It's as though my mouth has been covered with duct tape.

I realized a few days ago that I'm repeating a pattern day after day. I wake up early to get ready for work. I dress my kids and struggle to get them, and me, out the door on time. I spend eight hours working at a job I love (yes, I realize this makes me an insurance geek). I pick up the boys from school and daycare. I change into my pajamas and spend the rest of the evening doing my homework, helping Dawson with his reading assignments, and then reading the news online.

The news is part of my problem. I'm tired of reading article after article about missing babies, negligent parents who beat their 13-month-old babies to death and leave their toddlers unattended in a bathtub to drown. I'm sick of wondering what happened to Baby Lisa. I have cried every day over these tragedies. I have cried over Baby Tyler's death more than I care to admit. I'm still angry about Caylee Anthony's murder.

It's very difficult for me to admit that I've missed Mass several times over the last few weeks. I'm terrified that I'm losing faith in everything I thought I knew about God and His plan. However, I've found myself praying more often. It is God that has helped me to accept that Baby Tyler is in a better place. God saved him from his mother - and I know that sounds crazy. I would give anything to wake up tomorrow and realize Tyler's tragic death is a bad dream. I want so badly for him to be alive. I wish the same for Caylee. And the beautiful twin babies. I want all those children back. I want them safe from harm and loved and cherished. I want an end to abortion. When will it end? When will all this torture end?

These crimes against children eat away at me. Perhaps it's because I'm a mother and I love my children so very much. I would be out of my mind if something horrible happened to my boys. It's difficult for me to accept that some parents do not love their children as much. I cannot grasp the fact that some parents abuse or murder their children. To do such horrible things to an innocent child makes me sick to my stomach.

It's these thoughts that creep into my mind and for a brief moment I wonder why God would let these tragedies happen. I know in my heart that things happen for reasons I don't have the mental capacity to comprehend.

It is a test of my faith.

All I can do is pray. All I can do is believe that God is with us.

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